Without Pretense Page 19

  Ava wanted to go after Bianca but she couldn’t. She had to take care of Lara who stood staring after Bianca. Lara looked shell-shocked. Ava closed the suite door and then she stepped to Lara. “You all right?”

  “Were you…?” Lara began.

  “What?”

  “Were you two really just talking about paella?”

  “I’m afraid so.” Ava walked to the couch and collapsed into the cushions.

  Lara sank down beside her. “Well, I’ve gone and made a bloody mess now haven’t I?”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “What do you think she’s going to do with the information?”

  Ava wished she knew the answer to that. She wanted to believe Bianca wouldn’t hurt her or Lara. At the very least she wanted to believe that Bianca would talk to her before doing anything else. But Ava couldn’t really understand the expression on Bianca’s face when she left the room. She had an uneasy feeling, but she didn’t want to scare Lara. “I don’t know.”

  “I’ve ruined everything haven’t I?”

  “Yesterday you were considering telling people. Is this really so bad?”

  Lara seemed to consider the question before answering. Then she shrugged. “I guess not. Because you’re right, after we talked, I told my best mates and they’re cool with it. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.” Lara looked relieved at the realization.

  “Then I guess you haven’t ruined anything, have you?”

  “What about Bianca? She didn’t look happy when she left.”

  “You let me worry about that,” Ava said. And worry she did. Lara had dropped a major bomb on Bianca, and Ava had no idea how she would react to the news. She had seemed a bit defeated

  and a lot disappointed when she left. The defeated part didn’t make any sense to Ava. She looked over at Lara. “Maybe I’ll go check on her.”

  “She said she was all talked out. Maybe you want to give her some time.”

  Damn, the kid is smart. “Perhaps that would be best.” But Ava didn’t have to like it. She wanted to go deal with it right now and figure out where things stood with them. Lara was right though. Bianca had asked for space and she had to give her that.

  ***

  Bianca walked into her room and shut the door, then she just stood and stared into the dim room. While the thunderstorm outside seemed to have passed, a heavy gloom shrouded the room. It matched her mood perfectly. She had no idea what to do next. Lara was Ava’s daughter. Holy shit! How did I not see that? As she thought about it now, all the pieces started to fall into place. She finally knew who Damon Blake was to Ava. The timing fit. He had to be Lara’s father. She had so many questions. Not just for Ava. She had plenty for herself too.

  How could she have been so blinded by her relationship with Ava that she hadn’t figured out this whole scenario on her own? If she’d been clear-headed and not absorbed in her subject she would have figured out what Ava was keeping from her. She had wanted to give Ava the benefit of the doubt that she would have eventually told her the truth. On some level, she understood why Ava kept it from her. On the other hand, it hurt her deeply. Even when they’d talked about the child Bianca has lost, Ava never once mentioned she had a daughter.

  Even now knowing the truth, she was certain she would never write a word about it if Ava asked her not to. It made her question her professional ethics. They had made an agreement that she would work on an article, but always in the back of her mind Bianca had been working with the goal of the biography. As a biographer, her job was to be an objective observer. She had built a reputation as someone who told the complete story, even revealing the hidden secrets.

  She had failed on every front in this case. She was so disappointed in herself. Nobody would take her seriously as a biographer who told in-depth stories if the truth ever came out about Ava and Lara and she hadn’t written about them. But she couldn’t write the story and risk hurting Ava. No project had ever made her doubt her integrity before. She did not like the feeling.

  She didn’t know how she could have let it get this far. She knew why it happened; she was in love with Ava. What she should have done, when she realized that, was beg off the project and go home. Not try to continue to make it work. She had been unable to walk away then. Perhaps she could be stronger now. One thing was clear. She needed to actually talk to Ava.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When Bianca’s phone chimed to remind her of the lunch appointment she had set with Ava the day before, she considered not going. She needed more time to process what she had learned. In the end, she decided it was more important to talk with Ava. Once she had more answers, it might be easier to sort through her tangled thoughts.

  As arranged, Bianca knocked on Ava’s door promptly at noon. Ava opened the door. “Hi, I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

  “I wasn’t sure either, but here I am. We need to talk.”

  “I know we do. I asked Vicki to cancel our reservations. I thought it might be easier to talk here.”

  “Okay,” Bianca said.

  “Shall I order up some food?”

  “I’m not hungry, but go ahead if you’d like.”

  “I don’t think I could eat anyway. Would you like to sit?”

  “Sure.” Bianca chose the chair. She needed the space and distance from Ava right now.

  Ava remained standing. “Can I least get you something to drink?”

  “No, thank you. I just need to know—”

  “What? I’ll explain anything you want.”

  “Was any of this real?” Bianca gestured between the two of them.

  “How can you ask me that?”

  “Well, the way I figure it, you were lying or at the very least knowingly withholding information from me from the day we began this trip. So, what am I supposed to think? You played me like a fiddle and I just went right along with it.”

  Bianca’s words stung, and Ava had to take a moment, lest she respond in anger. She took a deep breath. “What are you talking about?”

  “Because of our relationship, I let your secret be just that. As a writer, it’s my job to get the real story, to find the truth. I didn’t even try to look for it because I didn’t want to overstep, and you asked me, you played on my sympathies and you begged me not to dig too deep. I never should have been in that position.”

  “I’m sorry, Bianca. I wanted to tell you about Lara from the beginning. I had only ever told one person in my life besides my parents, and it was too hard to say the words out loud. If I’m being completely honest, there was a part of me that was scared you would hate me if you knew I’d given up my child when you’d never meet yours. Then, when I knew I had to tell you, when I felt it was important for you to know because keeping the secret was tearing me apart, it felt only fair that I tell Lara first.”

  “I get that on some level, I really do. What I don’t understand is why go along with even pretending you were considering having your biography written when you were never going to let that happen? You couldn’t. It would threaten your secret.”

  “It was the only way to convince you to stick around.” Ava spoke without thinking and as soon as the words left her mouth she knew she’d made a fatal error.

  Bianca stood. “So it was all a ploy from the very beginning.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Ava tried to backpedal.

  “Well, haven’t I just been the fool? You got to have your fun and now you get your wish; your biography will not be written, at least not by me.” Bianca started walking toward the door.

  The sadness in Bianca’s voice put Ava on high alert. This is not how this was supposed to go. She was losing ground and she had no idea how to stop the slide. “Bianca, please don’t go. Let’s talk about this.”

  Bianca whirled around, and Ava could feel the anger pulsing off of her. “Every time I talked about the daughter I would never know, you had an opportunity to tell me your story, and every time you made a choice not to.”

/>   “You have to know that I wanted to.”

  “How could I possibly know that? It seems there’s a lot I don’t know about you. This makes me question everything I thought I knew. What is left to talk about?”

  “I care about you,” Ava said.

  Bianca laughed joylessly. “Is that what you call this? You can keep that kind of caring to yourself.”

  Ava was near panic as Bianca reached the door. “Wait!”

  Bianca turned back.

  “Please. Please give me another chance.”

  “What’s the point?”

  Ava didn’t know what to say to that. There were many things she wanted to say, but she was scared. She was afraid that she would bare her soul and it wouldn’t matter anyway. She said nothing. She was a coward.

  “I’m going to go now.” Bianca turned and walked out of the room.

  ***

  Ava stared at the door that Bianca closed behind her. She hadn’t missed the grief and hurt that crossed her face as they talked. That was her fault. She wanted to go after her and apologize again and beg for forgiveness, but it was hopeless. Maybe if she gave her a little time to cool off, they could talk again. Surely all they had shared was worth salvaging. She’d try again after the show tonight.

  Hours later, Ava still couldn’t get the sadness in Bianca’s eyes out of her head. She had to go on stage in just a couple minutes. Talking to Bianca again would have to wait. She turned to the mirror to make sure everything was as it should be. She stretched her arms and fingers and picked up her violin. She was ready for her cue.

  As she walked on stage she glanced at the seats where she expected Bianca, Lara, and Steven to be. She faltered for a fraction of a second when she saw Bianca’s seat was empty. She made eye contact with Steven. He lifted his shoulders slightly and gently shook his head. She lifted the violin and began to play but her heart was in her throat throughout the entire performance. Where was Bianca?

  Ava played flawlessly, but the music didn’t infuse her soul with wonder as it usually did. Her concern rose by the minute. Bianca hadn’t missed a single performance since Paris. Where was she? What was she doing? Ava played back their conversation from that afternoon. She had a bad feeling about this. She would find her as soon as she could and they would figure things out. She’d find a way to make this right.

  ***

  Once Ava took her bows, she hurried to her dressing room. Moments later, Steven was there. “Where is she?”

  “I thought you knew,” Steven said.

  Ava’s stomach dropped. She hoped he wasn’t saying what she thought he was. “Knew what?”

  “She left.”

  “Well, I need to go see her. Can you cover for me with Hank so I can go to the hotel?”

  “I would, hon, but she didn’t just go back to the hotel. She said she was going home.”

  “What? Why?” Ava started to panic. She had to calm down and figure this out.

  “She said you talked earlier today and you knew she was leaving,” Steven said.

  Ava thought about Bianca’s last words. “Bullocks. Do you think I can still catch her?”

  “No idea, but I don’t know why you’re still here if you’re going to try.”

  “Will you…”

  “I’ll make sure Lara gets back to the hotel, ask Vicki to take care of your violin, and make up an excuse for Hank. Just go,” Steven said.

  “Thanks.” Ava didn’t even bother changing out of her gown. She grabbed her wallet and phone and then headed to the nearest exit so she could catch a cab.

  She flagged down a taxi and gave the driver the address, imploring him to hurry. She tried to call Bianca. It went directly to voice mail. She hung up. She knew she should leave a message, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. She felt sick.

  She tried calling her again. This time when it went to voice mail she was ready. “Bianca, please don’t run away. Don’t throw this away. I think we could have something really good here. Please at least stay and hear me out.”

  Ava raced to Bianca’s hotel room. She took a deep breath before she knocked. She needed to calm down. It didn’t matter. There was no answer. She knocked again. Harder. “Bianca! If you’re in there please open up, I need to talk to you.”

  Nothing.

  Ava leaned her head against the door. She couldn’t think. Bianca was gone and it was her own damn fault. She didn’t know what to do next. She went to her room. She left the lights off and used the faint light filtering through the curtain to walk to the chair without hitting her shins. Not that it mattered. She was numb. She collapsed onto the chair and stared straight ahead. What was she going to do now?

  Ava had no idea how long she sat there. Her mind consumed with thoughts of Bianca. Finally, she heard knocking. She jumped up hoping Bianca had come back. She rushed to the door and pulled it open. Steven and Vicki stood there. She didn’t say anything. She left the door open and walked back to the chair where she crumpled into it once again.

  “I’m guessing you didn’t catch her,” Steven said as he flipped on the lights.

  Ava blinked in the sudden brightness. “You’d be correct. Is Lara okay?”

  “She’s fine. We told her the same story we told Hank. You’re ill. She’s happy to watch movies in Vicki’s room for the night.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What’s this?” Vicki asked, indicating the desk across the room.

  “What’s what?” Ava tried to see the desk without moving from her chair.

  “There are three envelopes here and the phone I gave Bianca to use while we’re in Europe. The envelopes are for you, me, and Hank.”

  “What’s in yours, Vic?” Steven asked.

  “It looks like her room card, the airport lounge card, and a note that says: ‘You’re very good at your job. Thank you for everything you did for me.’”

  Steven picked up the envelope addressed to Hank. “This isn’t sealed, should we take a peek?”

  “Yes,” Vicki said.

  Steven looked over to Ava who observed silently. She nodded. “Go ahead.”

  “There’s a note and a check.” He read the note to himself. “Apparently, Bianca felt since she wouldn’t be writing the book, she should return the entire advance.”

  “She would,” Ava said flatly. She wondered briefly what Bianca would do about the article. They’d never signed any paperwork. At least not that she knew about. Maybe Bianca was free to sell as many articles as she wanted to whomever she wanted. It didn’t really matter now.

  Vicki handed Ava the envelope with her name on it. A part of her wanted to wait and look at whatever was inside when she was alone. But Steven and Vicki were her two closest friends and she’d eventually tell them what it said anyway. She braced herself and took out the single sheet of paper.

  Ava,

  I leave with a heavy heart. Please know that I enjoyed the time we spent together. I feel bad about leaving this letter rather than talking to you in person. Given our last conversation, I don’t think there’s much left to say. I’m sorry our time was cut short. I had hoped to spend many more weeks getting to know you and your story. It’s a story that I cannot in good conscience write any more. I feel it’s best for me to return home. I wish you and Lara the best of luck in truly getting to know each other with nothing standing between you. I sincerely hope you find peace in the future.

  Bianca

  Ava laid her head on the back of the chair and dropped her hand to her lap. “Well, I guess that’s that.”

  “How can you say that?” Steven asked.

  “What else would you like me to say? She’s gone.”

  “So go and get her back. You care about her. Isn’t she worth fighting for?”

  “It wouldn’t do any good. She thinks I’m a liar and a manipulator. Damn it. I couldn’t have made a bigger mess if I’d tried.” She took a deep breath. “I need time to think. Please, go.”

  Steven tried again. “Ava…”

  She held u
p a hand. “Not now.”

  Once they left, Ava threw the door latch, turned off the lights, stripped out of the gown she still wore, and collapsed onto the bed. She had never hurt so much in her life.

  Chapter Twenty

  Nothing was the same for Ava. When Bianca left, almost everything in Ava’s life dimmed. Bianca had been gone for three weeks. Instead of the pain fading, it seemed to be getting worse. I completely let her down. She believes I was just using her. These thoughts played in an endless loop in Ava’s head every time she thought about Bianca and why she’d left. Ava didn’t know how to fix things or if she could. She had done nothing to inspire trust.

  She hid a massive secret from the woman she loved. Holy hell. It was true though. Ava knew it without a doubt. She loved Bianca. Even if she hadn’t been aware of it when she hadn’t shared her secret, it was also true then. The fact that she was keeping a promise to Lara did not exonerate her from not being honest with Bianca. Besides, she had known Lara was becoming more comfortable and she probably could have convinced her to let her tell Bianca. It was her own fear that had stopped her.

  Now she had to think of a way to get through to Bianca. She wasn’t responding to emails or phone calls. She only hoped that she was reading the emails and listening to the voice mails, even if she wasn’t answering them. She had to see Bianca in person. She needed to get Bianca to see her and hopefully listen. She knew a simple apology wouldn’t be enough.

  She considered leaving the tour early and flying to see Bianca. But she didn’t want to make any rash decisions and let so many people down. She had to be responsible and take care of business first. She hoped when she finally got to see Bianca, she wouldn’t be too late. Maybe they both needed some time.

  She didn’t get the same satisfaction from her music as she always had. Steven and Vicki were trying their hardest to pull her out of her funk, but she just wanted to be left alone. The only bright spot in her life was Lara. They were spending a lot of time together, and Ava was grateful Lara seemed to be as interested in having a real relationship with her as she did. Even now, as Lara sat on the other sofa with her ear buds in listening to something or other, Ava was glad to have her nearby. At that moment, Lara looked over.