Without Pretense Read online

  Her mum chimed in. “You can do it your way, but please make sure she knows she can talk to us as well.”

  “Of course.” Ava breathed a sigh of relief. Ava glanced at her watch. Her mother asked, “You don’t have to run off right away, do you?”

  Ava relaxed into her chair. “I can stay for a little while.”

  “Good. It feels like a long time since we’ve seen you,” her mum said.

  “It feels the same for me.”

  “You seem different, Ava,” her mum said.

  “What do you mean?” Ava looked back and forth between her parents trying to get an idea of what was coming.

  “Has something else changed?”

  Ava released a slow breath. “I’ve met someone.” She couldn’t stop the smile that formed automatically as she thought of Bianca.

  “She must be very special.”

  “She is.” You have no idea how much.

  “Will we meet her?”

  “It’s all still pretty new.” Ava would have liked very much to bring Bianca around to meet her parents. However, with things up in the air with the whole Lara thing, plus the fact that she and Bianca hadn’t defined their relationship other than exploring their connection, she knew it was too soon. It was probably too early to even be having those kinds of thoughts, but she couldn’t help it.

  ***

  Ava hadn’t been this nervous since her first recital more than two decades before. She was finally back in London and Lara was on her way to see her. Ava planned to tell her the truth. Lara deserved to know. But she was scared to death that she was going to ruin their relationship because she had to tell her that she and her parents had been lying to her for her entire life. She wished she hadn’t been so afraid of getting close with Lara before now. Maybe then she would have some idea how Lara would react.

  She was certain she was going to wear a pattern in the carpet with her pacing. She wiped her sweaty palms on her trousers. Her mouth was dry. She stopped briefly to pull a water bottle from the mini fridge and had just taken a sip when there was a knock at the door. She set the water down and wiped her hands down the front of her slacks again. Ava felt she had on cement shoes as she walked to the door. She was surprised to see Bianca.

  “Hey, what are you doing here?” Ava struggled to sound nonchalant.

  “I wanted to see you. Can I come in?”

  “Now’s not really a good time.”

  “Ava, what’s going on? You seem very agitated.”

  Ava offered a weak smile. “I am actually, quite. Lara is on the way, and she and I have to talk about something important.”

  Bianca wanted to ask if it was anything Ava wanted to share, but she’d promised her time and space. “Okay, well, I’ll be around if you want to come by later.”

  “Thank you. It will depend on how things go with Lara. If it gets too late, I’ll encourage her to spend the night.”

  “All right.” Bianca backed away and turned to walk down the corridor to her room. She tried not to read anything into the fact that Ava hadn’t reached out to greet her. As she reached her door she caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. She glanced over to watch a young woman approach Ava’s door. She knew it must be Lara, and she was certain she’d never met her but her features felt familiar.

  ***

  Ava had only just stepped away from the door when there was another knock. She jerked back but stopped before pulling it open. She tried to take a deep breath and settle herself. It was minimally effective. Finally, she opened the door. “Hi, Lara, it’s great to see you. I’ve missed you, kiddo. I’m glad you could make it.” Her words tumbled out. She needed to get a grip.

  “Hey, sis, good to see you too. You’ve never invited me to your hotel before without Mum and Dad.”

  “I know but I wanted to talk to you about something important and I wanted us to have some time just to ourselves.”

  Lara looked concerned. “Is everything okay with Mum and Dad?”

  “Yes, they’re fine. Why don’t we sit down and we can talk? Would you like something to drink?” Ava couldn’t seem to stop babbling.

  “No, I’m good.” Lara plopped down on the little loveseat by the window and looked at Ava expectantly. “So, what’s up?”

  Ava smiled inwardly at the show of teenage bravado before she retrieved her water and took a sip, wetting her dry mouth. She pulled out the desk chair and faced Lara, giving her a clear path to the door in case she wanted to leave. Ava cleared her throat. “I asked you to come here today so we could talk about your birth parents.” Real subtle, Ava, like that’s not going to freak her out.

  Lara stiffened. “What do you know about it? Why would you not want Mum and Dad to be a part of this conversation?”

  “Good questions. I asked them if I could talk to you first, and they asked me to make sure you knew you could go to them with any questions you had about anything. What do I know about it? That’s the bigger question, isn’t it? I know everything about it. Lara, I am your birth mum.”

  “What!?!” The incredulity propelled Lara from her seat, but the enormity of the statement seemed to weigh her down and she sat back down, hard. “What?” she asked again.

  Ava had seen the panic and pain on Lara’s face. She spoke as calmly as she could. She wanted to be clear. This was about Lara not her. Lara deserved answers. “I’m your birth mum. I’m sure you have a ton of questions and I want to answer them all.”

  Lara opened her mouth and then closed it. Ava could see the wheels turning. Lara was thinking, but she stared into space and said nothing. After several minutes of silence, Ava finally asked, “You all right?”

  “Um, no, I don’t know,” Lara managed.

  “Understandable. Would you like to ask me anything?” Ava asked, hoping she could give Lara whatever she needed to know.

  “Who’s my birth father?”

  “His name is Damon Blake. He’s a cellist. He only found out about you a few days ago, but he would very much like to meet you.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”

  “Okay. Whatever you need.”

  “Why?”

  “Why, what? Why did I have Mum and Dad raise you?”

  “No, that one I’ve pretty much figured out. You were young and probably well on your way to a brilliant music career. Why would you want to be saddled with a child?”

  “That’s only partly true. I was very young, but I also thought Mum and Dad could give you a more stable life and a home full of love.” And they did, but will you ever be able to see that?

  “I’m not even sure I can call them Mum and Dad anymore.”

  “I hope you can. I know the two of them still want to be that for you. You and I will have to figure out what our relationship looks like going forward, but I gave up any parental rights I had when I agreed to have them adopt you. You had another question though, why what?”

  “Why tell me this now?”

  “First, because I feel like you’re old enough to understand it now and you deserve to know the truth. But also, in the spirit of complete honesty, I didn’t want you to be surprised by any of this if someone found out and wrote about it.”

  “Who would find out if nobody has in more than seventeen years?”

  “There’s a woman named Bianca. Right now she’s writing an article about me, but she might write a biography and if she does, this will inevitably come out. She doesn’t know any of this yet, but I’d like to tell her.” Ava wanted to tell Lara how special Bianca was to her, but she could see she was already overwhelmed with everything else already on the table.

  “No.”

  Lara’s vehemence shocked Ava out of her reverie.

  “No?”

  “I don’t want anyone else to know about this.”

  “Lara, please…”

  “No way, you’ve had more than eighteen years to get used to this idea. I’ve not even had eighteen minutes. You can’t tell anyone else until I’m ready. Promise me.”


  Ava met Lara’s eyes and silently prayed Bianca would understand. “I promise.”

  “Good. Now I’m going to send a text to ‘Mum and Dad.’ I’m staying here tonight and you’re going to tell me everything.”

  “Okay.” Ava took the opportunity to text Bianca that Lara was staying the night and she would see her in the morning.

  Lara adjusted in the loveseat. “So…?”

  Ava moved to the sofa and got comfortable. She suspected they were in for a long night. “What would you like to know?”

  “How did it happen? Were you in love? Was it consensual? How did you tell Mum and Dad?”

  “I met Damon when I was fifteen and he was sixteen. I’d been at school in America for nearly a year when he enrolled there. We were two of the youngest students on campus and naturally gravitated toward one another, since we both felt a bit like outsiders. He was from the South and felt like a fish out of water in New York. I’m not sure we ever really talked about dating, but we were together all the time when we weren’t in class. We even practiced together. I think we were both a bit lonely, and eventually one thing led to another and we started fooling around. I can’t say we weren’t in love. I mean I’m sure it felt like love at the time.”

  Ava took a sip of water as she looked at Lara to see how she was taking all this in.

  “We were both so into music and our studies that it actually took a while before we decided we wanted to try sex. We were each other’s firsts. I didn’t really like it, so I didn’t want to do it again. From what I understand that’s actually quite normal for the first time. But as luck would have it, the condom we used apparently didn’t work, because a few weeks later I figured out I was pregnant.” In that moment, Ava decided Lara didn’t need to know she’d originally thought about terminating the pregnancy unless she specifically asked. “When I went home for spring break a few weeks later, I told Mum and Dad. We had a really long talk, and at the end Mum proposed the idea of them adopting you.”

  “And you jumped at the chance,” Lara said. Ava didn’t detect any censure in her voice, but she felt it all the same.

  “Not right away actually. I had a lot of questions of how that would work. I also wondered if it would be too hard to be around you knowing I failed you.”

  “What do you mean that you failed me?”

  “You were my responsibility, and if I was handing you over to my parents, it felt like I was giving up on you.”

  “Or one might say you were giving me a chance at a more stable life,” Lara said.

  “I hope every day that I made the right choice.”

  “Well, I can’t decide that for you. But I do have a pretty great life. I just hope that now that I know the secret you’ve been keeping all these year, maybe it means we can hang out more, so I can get to know you for real.”

  “I’d love that.”

  ***

  Ava walked Lara down to the lobby the next morning. “You okay to get home?”

  “I’m fine,” Lara said.

  “Okay. Look, I know with everything we talked about you might be overwhelmed, but I hope you’ll reach out if you have questions or just to chat. No matter where I am I’ll have my phone and I’d love to hear from you.”

  “I will.”

  Ava had hoped for more but she knew she had to give her time. Even though they’d talked for hours last night, it was a lot to process. “All right, take care. I love you, Lara.”

  “Love you, too.”

  It was a start. As soon as Lara left, Ava took the lift back up. She went directly to Bianca’s door. She missed her. When Bianca didn’t come to the door right away she wondered if she was out for a walk again. That’s what she did that morning in Paris after everything happened with Damon. Ava knocked one more time. This time Bianca answered the door. Clearly, Ava had woken her. “Hi,” she said through a yawn.

  “Good morning, sorry I woke you.”

  Bianca moved back a step so Ava could enter the room. “It’s okay. I was just out late.”

  “Really, what were you doing?” Only after Bianca raised her eyebrow and stared at her, did Ava play back her question and tone and realize how accusatory it sounded. “Sorry. That came out wrong. I just wondered how you spent your evening.”

  “Well, since you were busy, I had to find my own fun.”

  “Bianca…”

  Bianca finally smiled. “Relax, I’m playing with you. I went sightseeing. Did you have a nice time with Lara?”

  Ava blew out a breath. “It was…fine.”

  “Sounds exciting,” Bianca said blandly.

  “Actually, I’m not really sure what I expected, but she’s still talking to me so that’s something.”

  “Why wouldn’t she?”

  “Uh, yeah, about that, Lara asked me not to say anything to anyone else about what we talked about. She needs some time with it. I’m sorry but I promised.”

  “Okay. That wasn’t cryptic or anything.”

  “Look, there is a complicated family situation that I really need to keep confidential for now. I hope you can understand that.” She really hoped this wouldn’t change things between them.

  “I can understand that, but I can keep a secret if you need someone to talk to.”

  Ava wished it was that simple. “I’ll keep that in mind, but for now can we talk about something else? I’ve missed you. Where did you go sightseeing?”

  “First, I went up in the Eye. London is beautiful from that vantage point. Then I went to the Tower of London and strolled by Big Ben and Buckingham Palace. You know, a lot of the touristy things. I thought about taking a bus tour, but it seemed like too nice of a night to not be out walking.”

  “Sounds nice. I wish I could have gone with you.”

  “That would have been nice, but I’m sure you’ve seen it all before.”

  “Sure, but not with you.”

  “Well…maybe next time.”

  “I’d like that.”

  Ava moved to Bianca. “I’d like to kiss you now.”

  “Well, okay,” Bianca said.

  The kiss was weird. Something was off, different. Ava found herself holding back. She broke the kiss. “Where would you like to go to breakfast?”

  “Where’s your favorite place for breakfast? We are on your home turf.”

  “There are so many good places. But I’m particularly fond of Balans. It’s a short walk from here.”

  “Sounds perfect. Let me just hop in the shower real quick and I’ll meet you in your room is say twenty minutes.”

  “Right.” Ava crossed the room. She looked back once she’d opened the door. “See you then.”

  Ava wasn’t sure why she hadn’t suggested joining Bianca in the shower. Something just didn’t feel right. Maybe she was coming down with a cold or maybe she’d just stayed up too late talking with Lara. Or it could be she’d just been through an emotional wringer. Whatever it was, she hoped she figured it out really soon because Bianca was in there right now getting all wet and soapy and she was missing it. She didn’t want that to happen very often, given the choice.

  Maybe going to breakfast would help them reconnect. But she had to be careful not to talk about Lara too much. She didn’t want to break her promise, and if she started talking about Lara, she might let something slip. She could not let that happen. She would have to think of other things to talk about. That hadn’t ever been a problem with Bianca before. Why did it suddenly feel like a very big deal?

  Chapter Sixteen

  By the time Bianca let herself into the room, Ava had showered and was feeling much better about everything. There were plenty of other things they could talk about. It would be good to have some alone time with Bianca. She strode purposely into Bianca’s space. “I don’t think I gave you a proper hello this morning.”

  “So what are you going to do about that?” Bianca asked.

  Ava pulled Bianca to her and crushed her lips to Bianca’s. When Bianca opened her mouth, Ava answered the invita
tion with her tongue. She got lost in the kiss for several moments. Then she remembered herself and stepped back, breaking the kiss. Bianca was panting as hard as her, trying to catch her breath.

  “Wow. That was a much better greeting.”

  “Good. Now how about that breakfast I promised you?”

  “You get me all riled up and you still want to leave the room?”

  “Well, we need to eat, but I’m certainly open to finishing what I started after breakfast.”

  “You’d better be. I suppose I don’t mind the anticipation.”

  “Lovely. Shall we?”

  As they rode the lift down to the lobby, Ava decided now was as good a time as any to share the news with Bianca. “So, my parents are coming to see the show tomorrow.”

  “Oh, how nice. Do they come see you play a lot?”

  “At least once every time I’m in London. They’ve also traveled to see me a number of times.”

  “Wonderful. I’d love to meet them.”

  “I suspect you’ll get that chance.”

  “Great. I have a ton of questions for them.”

  “Of course you do.”

  Bianca paused in her walk across the lobby and studied Ava. “Do you have a problem with me asking them questions?”

  “Not a problem per se. I guess I just don’t really see the point. Can’t I tell you everything you need to know about me?”

  Bianca began walking again. “Getting the perspective of the people closest to you will give me a better overall picture of you and your life. It makes for a better story. Your perspective is great for an autobiography, but for a biography I need to talk to more than just you. We’ve been over this.”

  “I know. I suppose it’s easier for me to forget about the book when you’re only asking me questions, you know, I can pretend we’re simply getting to know one another or its just for the article. When you start talking about involving other people, it gets more real.”

  “I’m not sure what to say to that.”

  “Not your problem. I’ll figure it out.” Ava was silent for several moments. “I don’t mind you talking to my parents. They’re looking forward to meeting you as well.”